Adorable Monday - Lil' Mellencamp's Crusade

Let me make a few things perfectly clear before you read this entry. I have never been a fan of lifelong liberal John "Cougar" Mellencamp. Why does it turn out that the people who play the most American-sounding music secretly hate America? I'm looking at you, Mr. Springsteen! Secondly, I love smoking. Cigarettes taste like how my late father used to smell, and they help me maintain my slim figure despite my love for fried appetizers. That being said, it is absolutely adorable that Mellencamp's 14-year-old son has launched an online petition to get his father to quit smoking.

The floppy-haired youngster is turning to Facebook to help convince his dad to quit. I love to join ANY of those "If 1,000,000 people join..." groups on Facebook, whether its convincing a kid to legally change his name to something ridiculous or to snort 100 pixie sticks and videotape it. It just feels good to be a part of something positive. So when I saw that Speck Mellencamp started such a group, I joined immediately. Apparently his dad is a life-long smoker who averaged four packs a day until a heart attack slowed him down in 1994. According to Rolling Stone, he still wakes up in the middle of the night to smoke, and claims, "Smoking's the only thing I do well."

Normally I feel that rabble-rousing subversives deserve a slow death from some sort of inoperable cancer. But this is the time of year when we try to fulfill the dreams of children - and plus, no one can deny that "Pink Houses" is a fantastic song.

Friday Outrage: The Persecution of Michaele Salahi

Well it's Friday, which means it's time to pick a story to get mad enough about that it drives me to drink. Actually, I've got one heck of a schnapps hangover from Thanksgiving so I think I'll pass for tonight. But boy oh boy does this story get me angry.

So apparently Obama had one of those big "state dinners" the other night, honoring the Prime Minister of India. Everyone from Hollywood moguls to ambassadors and journalists were in attendance, but the Secret Service got their panties in a bunch after they discovered that two of their guests hadn't technically been invited.

Michaele Salahi is a stunning blonde socialite from the DC suburbs who dreams of becoming a television star. She is a former NFL cheerleader, Victoria's Secret model, and editor of the upcoming "Mutts Magazine". She openly solicits her "national or international endorsement for your product or company". Her dream, however, is to be a television star. She has auditioned for the upcoming Bravo reality show The Real Housewives of DC, and says on her official Facebook page:

Hello Hoda & Kathie Lee... want a third partner ! ;)
Get Ready Kelly Ripa - Don't you want a friend to tag team Regis!

At the White House dinner she made the rounds with a personal cameraman and makeup artist in tow, snapping pictures with famous guests and winning everyone over with her charm and beauty. But just as quickly as it fell in love with her, the world has turned on Michaele Salahi. "Journalists" have uncovered that she never worked as an NFL cheerleader or a Victoria's Secret model. The website for "Mutts Magazine" offers precious little information except stock footage of dogs and a poorly photoshopped front cover for their to-be-released first issue. And now comes word that the Secret Service may press charges against her and her husband! To believe the media, the house of cards that was Michaele Salahi's life is quickly falling apart.

No one has proven yet that Salahi was "uninvited". Hell, M. Night Shyamalan was there, and he hasn't made a good movie since The Sixth Sense! Clearly, this is just another example of the media tearing down a smart, beautiful, successful woman for their own enjoyment. First Sarah Palin, then Carrie Prejean, now Michaele Salahi! This poor woman deserves our sympathy and respect, not our scorn. Stay strong, Michaele - your persecution will not go unavenged.

What I'm Thankful For

Well it's that time of year again - the day when my mother goes over to her boyfriend Chuck's place and I have to stay home because my shampoo upsets Chuck's allergies. It's not so bad though - I've got a pint glass full of apple schnapps, and there's a Lockup marathon on MSNBC. I may not be having a turkey dinner, but I'd have to say that microwavable jalapeno poppers run a pretty close second! A night like tonight really makes you think about what you're most thankful for... other than poppers and schnapps, of course!

Fa-la-la-la-Lifetime
Nothing puts me in a better mood than Christmas, and one of my favorite things about Christmas is the Lifetime network's annual month-long, holiday-themed movie marathon. I will never get sick of heartwarming stories about two unlikely lovers who succumb to the magic of Christmas, usually against the backdrop of a charming New England town. Is one of them a harried executive who runs into their high school sweetheart, or a busy attorney who bumps into an old flame? Are they brought together by an adorable young child, or the good-natured scheming of a parent? I can't wait to find out!

Tasers
I have nothing but total respect for my local police. Whether they're encouraging me to be a better driver through a series of exorbitant fines or interrogating me in a condescending manner during a routine traffic stop, I know that absolutely everything they do is meant to keep me safe. That's why I'm glad that so many of them carry high-voltage taser guns! With these helpful tools, they can easily protect us from 10-year-old girls, 72-year old grandmas, and most importantly, ourselves! Sure they're dangerous and painful, but all the police officers I've ever known are known for their restraint. For instance, Chuck doesn't make out with my mother in front of me anymore! Although he has tasered me six times.

The Insider
I am constantly lamenting the fact that celebrity news isn't treated with the same gravitas and production values as so-called "hard" news. That is why I was so excited this season when The Insider debuted a new format that makes it so much more than just another Entertainment Tonight clone. Not only does the set look like a more high-tech version of Meet the Press, but the issues are addressed with the kind of gravitas usually reserved for discussions on politics and national security. And it's so good that someone finally decided to give heavy hitters like Kathy Griffin and Donny Osmond the opportunity to flex their journalism chops.

It's Business Time

This is definitely a good week for the underdogs - first the state of New Jersey, and now the long-suffering Fox Business Network. When it was launched a little over two years ago, it was pronounced dead on arrival by many critics who assumed Fox's patented combination of long-legged hotties and right-wing talking points couldn't cross over into a business channel. And ever since it has struggled in the ratings, its flashy graphics and luscious gams no match for the juggernaut that was CNBC. And we all know that Fox favors style over substance, but there was very little substance to be found in FBN's early days.



In search of something to give them momentum, FBN turned to the other thing that has made Fox a household name - angry, borderline-racist old men. They hired famous radio curmudgeon Don Imus to take over the morning programming on their channel, and soon came the announcement that Cablevision will soon bring Fox Business to 3 million new homes. This is fantastic news for the Fox family - especially considering that before the deal, more houses had laserdisc players than had the Fox Business Network.

And so the domination of Rupert Murdoch's Fox Empire continues unabated - a great victory for FBN, but an even greater victory for business journalism!

Garden State Glory

This has been a tremendous week for New Jersey. Now that we have a brand new Republican Governor, we are poised to reclaim our position as the crown jewel in America's tiara. And it's becoming clear that the rest of the world is learning just how amazing our state really is. As reported in the New Jersey Star Ledger, a Newsweek reporter held captive in Iran was interrogated by a policeman who believed New Jersey was a "heaven on earth".

"The guard seemed to believe sex and alcohol can be enjoyed easily in New Jersey. 'He hated me and he was jealous of me at the same time because I had been to New Jersey,' said Bahari, who was held captive for 118 days in an Iranian prison.

The guard had been asking the journalist about the writer's alleged 'secret network' of colleagues in Iran and dinner parties they attended. The guard said, 'This was the kind of dinner you could have in New Jersey," said Bahari. 'He thought of New Jersey as kind of like paradise.'"

The fact that our beautiful state is enraging Iranian officials gives me a warm feeling inside, like the kind I get when I read a story about a criminal getting tazered. But that's not all! Our fair state has once again topped a National List - sure, it's the list of "most dangerous cities", but it's been a long time since Jersey has been on top of any prestigious lists! Congratulations, Camden, for bringing home the gold for the Garden State!

Friday Outrage - Remembering Michael Jackson

For the past week, every minute of the day that I haven't been issuing fishing licenses at the Waldwick Municipal Building I've spent mourning the death of Michael Jackson. There's something about having a good cry that is very theraputic - especially when it lasts an entire week. And the national news media was right there for me in my time of need with wall-to-wall coverage of every single detail. It's sort of like that famous poster about footprints in the sand - when I was too weak to go on, the 24-hour cable news channels picked me up and moonwalked me down the "beach" to the strains of "Billy Jean".

Of course, some despicable "media critics" out there are saying that the coverage of Michael Jackson's death has been "overkill". They say that we are letting meaningless pop culture dominate our news cycle, instead of devoting attention to important politics and world news. What a bunch of garbage! Need I remind these people that Peter Jennings decided to stop covering the OJ Simpson "circus" in the early 90's, and ABC's nightly newscast has never recovered from its drop in the ratings? What Jennings (and these buzzkill "critics") forgot is that you've gotta give the people what they want! And since that's what we're all about here at the Spensen Factor Online, I'm responding to this outrageous criticism with a "Big Three" tribute to the King of Pop.

Moonwalker: The Video Game

Michael Jackson will be remembered for a vast and impressive body of work. From his early days with the Jackson Five to his later life as a noseless albino eunuch, the King of Pop left us all with plenty of great memories. Above all, his most enduring legacy will probably be the "Moonwalker" video game, released in arcades and for the Sega Genesis, in which a pixellated MJ rescued children from the evil Joe Pesci and enlisted the help of Bubbles the Chimp to turn into a giant robot. It is truly a shame that this, Shaq Fu, and Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing are the only celebrity-based video games ever made.

Michael Jackson for LA Gear

In the late 80's, the two most powerful brands in America came together to form an incredible alliance. The unveiling of LA Gear's "Unstoppable" line was meant to coincide with the release of a greatest hits album, but unfortunately the album was never released. Plus, the "black, heavily buckled shoes" were not big sellers. This would prove to be a dark omen of things to come - by the middle of the next decade, both icons would find themselves washed-up laughing stocks.

The Sincerest Form of Flattery

Even years after Jackson faded into relative obscurity, he continued to be honored by fans all over the world. One of his most memorable desciples was this talented young man from Southeast Asia, who made Susan Boyle-like headlines all over the world when he performed this amazing routine on "Malaysian Idol" in 2005.

Where in the World is Governor Mark Sanford?

Well, the mystery has finally been solved - South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was NOT, in fact, hiking on the Appalachian Trail. It turns out he was in Argentina, carrying on an affair with a woman who was not his wife. Agents from the ACME Detective Agency followed Sanford's trail to Mongolia, where a bank teller claimed the Governor was exchanging his money for pesos. Early reports state that the woman, known to sport a red trenchcoat and fedora, goes by the name "Miss Sandiego".

A lot is being made of this, especially by Democrats who are happy to see another potential Republican presidential nominee go down in flames. But hey, it wasn't a prostitute or a gay dude, just a "dear friend"! Sadly, the damage seems to have been done - both to Sanford and the Republican Party. First Sarah Palin reveals she can't read, Bobby Jindal reveals he is secretly an NBC page, Mitt Romney reveals he is a machine... now this? Screw it, I'm voting for Glenn Beck in 2012!